come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
