I can tuck mytits in my pants
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
