Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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