cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
