What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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