it hurts more in the daytime
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
