living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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