No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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