tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize