My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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