totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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