every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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