While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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