Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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