By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
