how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
