I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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