using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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