Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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