There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The uberlube is also flammable
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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