I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
