accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
