Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i love accidental penises.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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