btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
