You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She bit a glass in half.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
