Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
