What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Operation Purity has been aborted
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
