i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
