i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
