Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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