i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
