When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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