My sheets look like a crime scene.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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