drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize