I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
