remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
