i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
