i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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