I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I would fuck him just for his dog
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
