Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
