I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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