I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
