i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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