I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
