The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
why is half of my head shaved?
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