we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were destined to go to rehab together
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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