Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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