nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
