thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
