apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
