bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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