a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
