apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
