Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
