he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
