then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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