I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize