My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
